In the process of "changing the world" during my Peace Corps service, it appears that I am the one who has changed. When my service was ending I was excited to come home and begin the new process of finding meaningful employment...a job that would be as satisfactory as the ones I had in Ukraine. I had also decided to one day return to the Peace Corps, although when that time would happen was anybody's guess.
I've been home for 8 months now and I am no longer satisfied with the mundane tasks of the everyday. I swim in the morning and spend many hours on the computer looking for my "last" job. I continue to practice my Russian and take free courses online. ANYTHING to keep busy, and to keep my mind from going into places I'd rather not discuss.
Well, after all this searching for work, it turns out that I am too old to intern and not qualified for the jobs I really want. I thought there would be an abundance of "Community Outreach and Education" jobs but they are few and far-between. The really great ones I apply for but know I don't have the experience they ask for. I do have 2 years experience from serving in Peace Corps and I do have more enthusiasm and passion for this work than anyone I've ever encountered or read about but nobody is hiring based on my assurances.
I was swimming on Thursday with my pool pal Barbara and she said something that snapped me out of my musings about where my life is (not) leading me. She said why don't you just go back into the Peace Corps? Suddenly the proverbial light bulb came on inside my head.
It had been in the back of my mind for months now and I was afraid to take it out and look at it.
There were reasons...the main one being that I was worried about leaving my mom again, who is turning 86 in a few weeks. She told me when I came home that she hoped I wouldn't leave her for so long again...not as far away, in any case. She even mentioned it again last Wednesday. I felt like a shit. Could I really be that selfish? Could I just pick up and go again? What about her? On the other end of things, I know that I am a burden to her. I have no income and we live on her Social Security, which is a pittance. As well, I have been so unhappy and I know this makes her unhappy too. Could I leave...again?
Well, I think...yes because I began the application process to return to the Peace Corps on Thursday and finished it yesterday. I talked to my mom and she isn't happy about the possibility of my leaving again, but she is also aware of the fact that in the Peace Corps I found my calling....that I won't be happy unless I am exploring the world on my own terms and living the life I was meant to live. That if in changing the lives of the people I encounter, I can also change my own and perhaps only then can I truly "find my place in the world".
