Homeward Bound

I made the decision a few weeks ago that I was leaving Burrel. I wasn't sure where I was going or when, I just knew that I was. I met with the country director and my manager yesterday in Tirana and they informed me that I was not going to be able to move to a new site. That left me with the only alternative, which was to resign. This was by no means an easy decision. I love the Peace Corps and had a vague idea that I would spend the rest of my life serving as a volunteer around the world. I always imagined that anyone unable to fulfill the mission of the Peace Corps must feel pretty bad. As a second-time-around volunteer I can tell you it is agonizing.

I do know that staying here and not giving 100% of myself would be wrong. Peace Corps is not about going to a job and coming home at the end of the day tired and unfulfilled. It is so much more than that and I would be cheating the people in Burrel and the American tax payers if I could not serve in the capacity I had pledged to serve.

I don't know what I am going to do when I get home, but I know this is the best thing I can do now. I also know for certain that life is just too short to be unhappy.

See you all soon.

A Reason to Stay

Okay good people I’ve returned to Burrel in not-so-great spirits. Reason?  Bored silly. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am NEVER bored. I can always find something to keep me occupied. But boredom is not really the issue here…it is my reasons for being bored in the first place. I am totally uninterested in anything here. Burrel is sucking the life out of me folks. Flat-lined me dead. Seriously.

At this point in my service I am questioning my reason for even being here…seriously looking for that one reason to stay.

Okay. Let’s talk it out here. This town is like Novomoskovsk. When I served in PC in Ukraine I loved my service…wouldn’t trade a minute of it for anything. But I was finished there. Done. I did lots of projects and met lots of lovely people…some of whom I am still in touch with…but I had finished. Or so I thought. I came to Burrel and it mirrors what I left behind.  I feel as though I served 2 years in Ukraine, went home for long holiday, and now I am back.

Ugh.  I was looking for a new experience. There is nothing new here…nothing. The people and culture are similar, the town is the same albeit smaller, and I am living in the same exact type of situation…in a Soviet bloc-style apartment house with 4 perfectly aligned buildings facing each other onto a shared yard. Screaming kids 24-7, noisy neighbors, cheap goods and sadly, lots of stray animals.

Worse still: 2 hours to the nearest hub, not being able to shop in peace and relatively anonymity, no train system to speak of and a lunatic landlady who thinks because my language skills are not good then I must be stupid.

It’s no secret to the folks I am serving with that I am unhappy with where I was placed. All of the folks in my service sector were told we would be placed in big cities. I was thrilled! There’s lots of great art things happening here. I would be able to seek out and explore new art and artists from a new culture!  Well. No. Everyone EXCEPT ME was sent to a big city.

I talked to one of the BIG guys in the front office about changing sites. He told me the policy is that no way they change people's sites here in Albania. I told him who did he think he was talking to? Of course, we are both RPCV’s (Returned Peace Corps Volunteers). I appealed to him from that standpoint and he agreed to take it into consideration. For the sake of my sanity, I do hope he was serious.

Anyway…I don’t want this PC experience to turn into a “job”. God forbid I go to work, come home, and that’s it. I can do that anywhere. And as for leaving my site…I may turn into one of those people who are never home. I will be leaving here every weekend looking for someplace to crash. Any volunteer, any place…every damn weekend. And I HATE traveling! (I’m okay once I arrive but it’s the getting there that is the worst).

Now, on the home front. What exactly would I do if I did go home? Probably the same thing I was doing before…looking for a job and TRUST ME no one is looking to hire somebody staring at her 57^th birthday in a little over a month.

There is only one thing I am positive of now, and that is if I do go home, it will be not be because the ‘powers that be’ decide I need to stay here in Burrel but because I couldn’t find that one thing to keep me here.