The Edge of Madness

It has been a while since I wrote, I know, but I didn't want to write anything negative because that is how I have been feeling lately. I am no longer able to keep this all to myself for fear of going mad and I thought it was time to let it all out.

Since I came home life has been a bit empty. I miss the Peace Corps and I have a lot of time on my hands since I am still unemployed after all this time. What have I been doing? I spend between 2-4 hours every day doing all things "jobs". Looking and applying for work, revamping yet another resume or CV, honing job skills and trying to remember the skills I possess but have forgotten about and doing lots of reading and research on all things "jobs".

I began my search for employment way back in the spring of 2006. I was just about finished with grad school and I got lucky when I landed a (very) part time teaching gig with Worcester State University teaching one class per week. I loved this job. It was the best damned job I ever had. It was everything I ever wanted in a career except for one thing...more hours. I spent 3 years there teaching this one class. I had the freedom to design and execute anything I wanted. I found out I was born to teach...that I had an inborn ability to give knowledge to people that they never before possessed. WSU is a liberal arts college and at that time art was a minor. There were no "art" students...just people looking to gain some necessary credits toward their degree. Most of them didn't know anything about art and frankly, most didn't care much either. By the time the semester ended I had students thanking me for the class. Thanking me! I've never been able to duplicate this feeling since that time.

During this time I was a very busy artist...I had a  thriving studio practice, exhibitions happening all over the place and I had started a cultural book exchange with an artist in Romania. It was around this time things started to go down hill. Let me briefly outline it. First, my best and oldest friend in world passed away. She was 50. Next, at the end of 2009, WSU cancelled my course, which was a real blow because this job paid for my studio. I found a series of part time work and began teaching classes in my studio but it was a real struggle but I continued applying for work where I could. To top things off, my beloved kitty passed away in October of that year. Harley was 17 years old and the love of my life. Seriously.

The following year was difficult too, as I suffered a series of setbacks. More job losses, pain and hospitalization, and yet another terrible loss...the death of my other kitty, Cookie. She was 13 years old. As well, my mom had broken her ankle and I had to leave a temporary job to take care of her, resulting in the temporary loss of my unemployment benefits. Talk about stress! The job search culminated in my having to close my studio practice, as I was completely unemployed by the end of 2010. Not such a great year, although I did travel with an exhibition to Romania which was pretty great considering everything I went through. It may not sound so bad but I have left out so much of what transpired in that year. I wish I had blogged about what was happening in my life at this time. It was emotional, difficult, and so stressful I can't begin to explain it. Suffice it to say it put me in the hospital where I was discovered to have 6 ulcers. Not good.

The following two years proved to be an amazing life-changing experience as I had been invited to serve in the Peace Corps. I started "The Pecking Order" when I decided to join the Peace Corps and it follows my adventures from application to acceptance to adventures. The Peace Corps was the best thing that ever happened to me. It not only led me to understand my full potential, it allowed me to do so while helping other people. An absolutely unbelievable experience.

Having said all this, I also realize that the Peace Corps could lead to a great job. Everything I had heard, read, or been told points to this as absolute fact. I started my job search again near the end of my service. In October of 2012, I began to do all things "jobs" once again. Revamping, researching, locating and applying for work. Since that time I have applied for 64 positions. From these 64 applications perhaps 15 have sent me a formal rejection letter. I'd like to thank these people for rejecting me. Seriously. It shows me that they are paying attention. It shows that they appreciate all the time and effort I put into applying. I don't know what has happened over the years that makes it okay to be unprofessional. I believe that a simple "thanks but no thanks' is absolutely appropriate. I don't give a rat's ass that 200 +/- people have applied for one job. If an organization can't be bothered to acknowledge that I put lots of time and effort into researching and applying to them, it tells me that perhaps that they are not the place for me after all.

So here I sit. It is one year since the time I started my job search and 7 years since I worked a full time job. Since them I have lost my apartment, studio, friends, jobs, cats, cars, and at times, even my self esteem. Now I am well on my way to losing my mind. I don't think I have it in me to keep doing this so will say this in closing: my next job will be my last job so it had better be a good one.